The Truth Shall Set You Free

I took the day off from blogging yesterday, for a couple of reasons.  First, I didn't know what to write.  I usually have a topic when I sit down to blog, but I didn't have one yesterday.  And, I had no desire to do any soul-searching in order to find one.  I could have written about Thanksgiving day, I suppose.  I just wasn't sure what to say about it.  I enjoyed the day, being with family.  Saw people I haven't seen in years, laughed, and ate really good food.  Couldn't have asked for more, yet there was a part of my psyche that needed recovery time, alone time. 

I have always needed alone time after being with people.  I know that everyone needs time alone, but my need is too great to be healthy.  At one time in my life, an evening or a weekend alone would have been enough.  A night or a weekend by myself, and I would be ready to engage with the world again.  It was a matter of just waiting long enough for the magic to happen.  But thas I got older,  I needed more alone time.  A night or a weekend would not be enough.  The magic didn't happen.  At that point in my life, daily living became a matter of pushing down the anxiety that I felt and forcing myself to leave the house, because I was not ready to see other people.  I put on the mask of being okay and went off to work. 

But the main reason for not blogging was that I didn't think I could be genuine with my writing.  I would have tried to have written honestly, and that post might have sounded great.  But I had no insight yesterday, no ability to look inside myself, and anything that I would have written would have been a creation born out of my illness.  It would have come from the place within myself where I create explanations that make me feel better.  Explanations that resolve the differences between reality and what I would like the world to be.  My insight today is that I would like to live in that place right now.  A "stop the world, I want to get off" kind of place.  A place where I can withdraw until everything inside coalesces into a properly-functioning self.  Then I can step back into the world.

Surprisingly, the world has never stopped for me.  Monday mornings have come all too soon, bills have arrived without interruption, and all sorts of things have materialized in the world's own time whether I was ready for them or not.  Sigh....  Oh, well, thank goodness for my to-do chart, the tasks of daily living.  It is a good tool for getting me going.  Thank goodness for the blue skies that have appeared while I was writing this.  Good day for being outside.  Thank goodness for this blog.  Writing today has helped the magic to happen.  Thank goodness for my family.  It is good to know that whether or not I am healthy makes a difference, that it's important to others how I'm doing.  That helps, too.