I would love to be able to report that I am back to where I was before the cold snap, but I can't do that. It's as though a switch inside me has been turned to the "off " position. Before the deep freeze, I had reached a point where I was able to do every day things (like doing dishes or laundry) without thinking about them beforehand; I'd just do them. I'd see dishes in the sink, and I'd wash them. I'd see clothes in the hamper, and I'd do laundry. Now, it's different. I see clothes in the hamper or dishes in the sink, and I have to force myself to take care of them. I have to make a conscious choice to do something, and then I have to call upon something inside myself to carry through and actually do it. I also have a tendency to stop before everything is done. I'll wash dishes, but leave a few in the sink. I'll do laundry, but leave clean clothes in the laundry room. (I know, what's up with that?) Everything feels like it has a layer of ickiness poured over it. I don't want to touch it, and, once I start, I want to stop.
Now, you may be saying to yourself, "I don't get it. So what if you don't feel like doing something; do it anyway. You think I like doing laundry or cleaning up the kitchen? Stop whining and just do it. This is much ado about nothing." Okay, I get that. But, here's the thing. Think about the things you do each day. Let's say you get up, brush your teeth, take a shower, get dressed, and go outside to get the morning paper. Now, imagine that you had to gear yourself up to do each one of those things, that inside you there was a part of you that found each one of those things distasteful or even frightening (as in the case of going outside to get the paper). Then imagine that each and every thing you do in a day is something that requires concentrated effort to get done. I lived my life like this for years where I had to force myself to do everyday things. Although there were times when things would get better, over time it progressively got worse. Eventually, everything I did required concentrated effort. I had to make a conscious decision to start each and every thing I did, from getting out of bed in the morning, to making a phone call, to going to the grocery store on my way home from work. Then, I had to push myself to actually get each thing done. Everything took effort. The more effort everything took, the fewer things I could do. The fewer things I could do, the more chaos was created. The more chaos that was created, the harder it was to get anything done. I went through years of trying to hold my life together, watching it slowly unravel, until I was barely holding onto the strings of my life any more. So, I'm sounding an alarm because I know where this could lead. I also know that gritting my teeth and gutting my way through things will not help. I did that for years. What I need to do is to turn that switch back on.
There are four things that I will do to work on the switch. First, I will remember why I want to do things in the first place. I've lost the connection between actions and results. For example, it is so much easier to get dressed when all of my clothes are clean and in my closet. I really have to stop and think about things like that in order to see the benefits I can reap by taking care of things. Second, I will write down my to-do list, breaking items down into their smallest components. That way, I can mark things off my list as I go along. I can see progress, which will encourage me to keep going. Third, I will take some time out to see what emotions I am experiencing because I don't really know what they are. Fourth, I will plan some social things. I spoke with Queenie this morning, and that conversation lifted my spirits. Just little things like that, just simple connections with other people.
So, I could turn things around. That's a possibility. I think I will; I just not sure. I'm not going to make any promises I can't keep. On the plus side, just publishing this blog is a positive step in the right direction. Now, I would rather be writing a happy blog, outlining my progress for the world to see, instead of writing this. To tell you the truth, it's embarrassing to be writing about this banal situation. Certainly, in the grand scheme of things, this seems paltry. There are people who are dealing with much more serious situations. The Prime Minister of Haiti reported that as hundreds of thousands may have died in the earthquake, and much of their infrastructure has been destroyed. Against that reality, my issues are so very insignificant.
But, I made a commitment to tell the truth. My truth today is not what I want it to be, but that's where I am today; ignoring the truth will not make things better. This process of sitting down to write helps me to bring things into focus. I can identify what's going on with me a whole lot better than trying to just think or talk about it. It's like sitting in a truth chair. I have to write what is true. The fact that I am publishing it for anyone to read, well, that just keeps me honest. So, if I don't publish daily, I may feel like I just don't have anything to say. But, more than likely, the real reason is that I haven't sat down to take an honest look at things.
Okay, so I'm going to quit now. I've published this once, then decided that I needed to clarify some things, so I started editing my existing post. I could probably continue on and rewrite the whole post, but, at some point, it's time to stop and move on to other things. I have a switch to work on.
Happy regular day, Queenie. Take good care of the Prince. Remember, there's cake to be had.
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth. ~Oscar Wilde
There is going to be cake. I am baking one for myself. Chocolate with chocolate chips!
ReplyDeleteMaybe you should set a limit of time you can stay at home without going somewhere. I am not sure how long that is, but think about it.