I've been thinking about the symptoms of my disorder and which ones apply to me. I'm going to give it my best shot. I don't want to paint myself with the disorder, to look for symptoms that aren't there, to make my story fit all the criteria. At the same time, I think it would be helpful for me to recognize areas that affect my life. And it be helpful for Queenie to know more. As I think I've said before, this is new territory for me. I never thought about these things before. I might change my mind about things later on.
I've posted a link to a web page that describes the disorder so you can refer to it if you need to. I'm going to take aspect one at a time. From the description: First and foremost, I turn inward and distance myself from relationships, and I am often uncomfortable in social situations. It's funny, but people will come to me for advice, and there are certain kinds of interactions where I am fine. Usually, it is the kind of interaction where I have a defined role. But there are other situations, relating to others in a social way, where I am inept and extremely uncomfortable. I am supposed to have distorted perceptions about how relationships happen. I suppose that's true, I guess. I hadn't really thought about what makes a friend or what relationships should be like. For example, I've often thought of people that I work with as good friends, and they are people that I really care about, but I might rarely see them outside of the office.
It's not that there haven't been times in social situations that I have thoroughly enjoyed. Most of them have been occasions with family members there, however. I especially enjoy social situations with someone who can tell funny stories, who can make me laugh. The best times have been getting together and having a laugh fest.
From the symptoms: Incorrect interpretation of events. I think that I might incorrectly interpret events. This symptom, as far as I can tell from what I've read, relates to social interactions. I think I misread (or miss all together) social cues. It's hard for me to know for sure. There certainly are times when I have been unable to predict another person's reaction. Did I missed clues that might have given me more information?
Odd beliefs or magical thinking. I don't believe in the paranormal, and I don't think I'm superstitious. I don't believe the world is coming to an end in 2012, either. But I live my life thinking that I will do something later today or tomorrow. When something causes me anxiety, I think that I will feel better about it later and will be able to easily do it then. Intellectually, I know this is not the case, and I know there are tools I can use to help me. But that Scarlett O'Hara mentality is deeply ingrained in me. This notion is so strong that it is hard to overcome. This is definitely a work in progess. I also had a strong belief that everything would sort itself out. This was so pervasive that I thought I would win the Powerball and have lots of money. In the depths of my crisis, I even looked online for architects, landscapers, appliances, and building materials so I would be ready to build my dream home. Until the electricity was turned off, that is.
Unusual perceptual experiences. I don't have bodily illusions like thinking a part of my body doesn't belong to me. But there is a kind of disconnect from my brain to my body. I have trouble dancing, for example, and when people tell me to feel the music, I don't. In junior high and high school, I would watch other people dance, then practice in the mirror so that I could mimic their motions. It was the only way I could learn new dances. And line dances, I can do the slide, mostly. Other line dances, I get about half-way in the sequences, then I get lost. And forget about the jitterbug. That's beyond me. Another example is this. You know how, in workout videos, you move one leg and the opposite arm? Well, I'm always moving my leg and arm on the same side. I have to concentrate, to cognitively think about how I'm moving my body for any coordinated activity. It doesn't come naturally. I also think of myself as about 100 pounds lighter than I really am.
Odd thinking and speech. You'll have to help me out there.
Suspicious or paranoid thoughts. No.
Emotionally inexpressive. I don't feel emotions as intensely as most people do. And, although I may appear to be aloof (you'll have to help me out here), it's not that I don't care. It's that I can't feel emotions the same way other people do. I can remember times when I've tried to wrap my brain around a situation, trying to feel the emotions that it should evoke, but being unable to feel them. I can't describe how I felt when I walked down the aisle to get married. I remember thinking that I should be happy, and I tried to feel happy, but I can't say that I did. I wasn't unhappy, either. It was as though my emotions were locked away. I remember trying to smile, then feeling like it wasn't genuine, so I stopped.
Okay, that's it for today, except for one thing. Disorder is an appropriate term since it describes the effect it can have on my life. But I don't want to keep talking about a diagnosis or a disorder. I want to come up with another term to describe this thing that I live with. Something that is short, but stands for life in my world. I welcome your suggestions and your feedback in all things. Thanks for everything.
You asked us to tell you what we thought of you over the years. That is not going to be easy but maybe I have a little sense of what it must be like for you to write this blog. My answer may take some time but I will give it my best shot. Like you, it requires me to look back to my early life. I don’t do that much. I mostly look forward.
ReplyDeleteI was in the 6th grade when you were born. There were some significant events in our family the couple of years before then. Mama was hospitalized for some kind of psychiatric problem. I don’t know the diagnosis. I just remember she went to the hospital via ambulance one day. I always remembered her stay as several weeks, but just before she died I found out it was actually just 10 days. It was either during the hospital stay or afterward as an outpatient that she had shock treatments. I overheard her talking to a friend on the phone and she said that the Dr. was having her write a journal. I don’t know what was in the journal. I never saw it. But I do remember that Mama was very anxious at times, seemed to have difficulty “keeping it together”. I don’t know what was going on with her and Daddy or if there were financial problems (I think there were some) or anything like that. But kids were not included in adult business back then. I don’t know when the doctors prescribed Valium for her, but I know she was on these for many years.
When you were born, I was at the age I was over dolls but a taking care of a baby was OK. You were the baby I learned on - how to change diapers, bottle feeding, etc. And that was fine until I was old enough to drive. Then my activities changed. I do not remember anything unusual in your baby years. I remember you as a toddler but I was a teenager by then thinking all those teenager things.
You were in the third grade (is that right?) when I got married and left home so I really do not know too much about your childhood. I remember you being Daddy’s baby and that you two seem really close.
As you got older, you must have kept a messy room and I must have nagged you about it. I remember coming home for the weekend (by now it was Carla and Me, I was divorced by then) and the door to your room was closed. It had a note on it to me that you planned to clean your room the next day. I thought it was amazing that you were allowed to keep your room that way. When Judy and I were at home, we cleaned the whole house on days when we were not in school and kept our rooms in order on school days.
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ReplyDeleteI did not think anything was different about you then. Looking back now, I don’t remember any of your childhood friends but thought that was just because I was not in town. Living in Houston, there could have been a lot going on that I did not know about.
I remember Mama being upset with you because you dropped out of McNeese just days after the refund date.
I remember Mama taking you to get a drivers license because she was tired of driving you around. I could not imagine that. I was dragging Mama and Daddy down to sign for me the Saturday after I was old enough to get a license. You seemed to have no interest getting your own.
The day you got married I remember a couple of thoughts. First I thought you were somewhat distant for a bride. Second, your room was a mess with things all over the bed, furniture and floor. I would have thought you would have been completely packed with things to be moved to your and David’s house as soon as you got back from your honeymoon. But it looked like you had not packed at all.
In later years, my impression was that you adopted interests of people you knew, that they were not your own interests. For instance, you and Ken were friends; he was an electrical engineer, so you studied electrical engineering. You later say a psychologist you liked, so you studies psychology.
We all considered that you were the smartest one of us all. You belonged to Mensa, after all. But I thought you did not have the stick-to-it-ness to complete things. And I noticed that you did not make friends easily.
I thought it was strange that you wanted to explore being a nun. I could not imagine living with the old nuns in San Antonio like you did.
Even now it amazes me that you can asked me to help you learn to budget when you did accounting work for several years. I cannot see how you don’t know how. I understand not being able to keep to a budget; I have had those same problems at times myself.
This is all for now. I need to give this more thought.