Monday

So, let's continue the exploration...

Junior high was a time when my differences became more pronounced, I think.  It's the time when puberty kicks in and when peer relationships become more important.  It's hard to remember just what I thought about myself back then.  Looking back, I was more of an observer, hanging out with others, taking in what was going on, rather than an integral part of things.  There were times when I sensed that I was not engaged the same way that others were, but that was a transient feeling.

Boys were not interested in me.  Generally speaking, that's been true all my life, except right after my divorce.  Then I had old men and creeps pursuing me.  And, from my point of view, dating was and is an awkward experience for me. I'm not good with flirting and the "dance" of romantic relationships.  With a few exceptions, I tend to be friends with guys rather than date them. 

Anyway, back to growing up.  I remember overhearing Mama talk about me one day, the summer before high school.  She was concerned that my only friend would be going to another high school.  It hadn't occurred to me, and I still wasn't bothered much hearing that.  I didn't think it would be a big deal.  As it turned out, there were a few of us from junior high who formed a group in high school.  I never felt excluded from anything by my friends, but I didn't date, didn't go to any proms.  So there was a portion of high school life that I didn't engage in.  There were conversations in which I couldn't take part.  I went on one date in high school, and then I talked about the guy so much that my friend took me aside to tell me that he didn't like me as much as I liked him.  Translation - he doesn't like you - but I didn't get that at the time.  I didn't really like him that much, either.  I was just hungry for something to have to join the conversation with my friends. 

It's funny.  I don't think I wanted to date anyone for the sake of going out and having a good time, but I wanted to have something to talk about when my friends talked about their dates. 

Well, that's it for memory lane today.  I am both excited and anxious about selling the house and moving.  It's not that I have any reservations about doing this.  That's not it at all.  It's the number of decisions to be made about what to keep and what to get rid of.  I don't think I need advice about it (or maybe I just don't want advice about it); it's just that making any kind of decision carries stress for me.  Just trying to be fully honest here.  There have been times when I couldn't decide what to buy at the grocery store.  I don't think it necessarily will be hard for me to make choices; just be aware that it is a source of stress for me to do so.  I'm actually looking forward to culling things and simplifying my life.