Good Morning

I did not feel like going to group yesterday.  It was tempting to just stay home.  I figured that was an early warning sign of a downhill slide, so I got up and went anyway.  I don't get as much out of Tuesday's group as I do the sessions held on Mondays.  It is the process of going back for a second day in a row that helps as much as anything else, I think.  It's intriguing to me how physical actions affect our moods.  There is an effect that occurs when I walk up to the building, enter, and sign in.  It's not that it makes me happy to go.  It's more that a reset button gets pushed, and it causes me to refocus on recovery.
I have noticed a gradual but continual shift in my behavior over the last few months.  Once upon a time, I would think of things that I should be doing, but would put them off until another day.  In my deluded thinking, I believed that I would get them done, usually on the next day.  I would think a lot about how I would accomplish something and how good it would feel to do it - tomorrow.  But at any given moment, the desire not to do was so much stronger than the desire to do.  Now, I find myself thinking that I will put things off until another day, but instead find myself doing them.  The desire to have them done is stronger than the desire not to do them.  For example, I was really tired last night.  I looked at the dishes in the sink and thought to myself that I was too tired to do them.  But I couldn't stand the thought of going to bed with dirty dishes in the sink, so I washed them anyway. 

I've also made progress in picking and choosing what I do.  My original plan was to go to the bank, the grocery store, and the post office on my way home from group yesterday.  But I was tired and sleepy, and it was raining.  I considered just going straight home.  Instead, I went to the post office, and left the bank and the grocery store for today.  I suppose that sounds like a normal, typical decision for most people.  But I've tended to be an all or nothing type in my choices.  So, I've either done all of my errands, or I've done none of them.  For me, it was an improvement to set priorities and choose what to do.

I would like to have more energy and stamina.  I run out of steam before the day is over.  Last night, I felt sad about that.  Just sad.  Not depressed.  I didn't feel sorry for myself, thinking poor me.  I didn't try to come up with a plan to "fix" it.  Being able to experience feeling sad and knowing that it was okay to feel that way is a new phenomenon for me.  I know that I am eating right and staying as active as I can, and, that at some point, things will get better.  And, when I went to bed, I took comfort in the adage, "Sleep knits the raveled sleeve of care," and went off to sleep.  Today is a new day and a new start.

About two weeks ago, I planted some lettuce seeds.  Monday afternoon I noticed they had sprouted.  Tiny pairs of green leaves broke through the surface.  If the weather stays relatively moderate, I should be eating salad in a couple of weeks.  It is a good metaphor for recovery.  Recovery takes time, but if I stay in the proper environment, it will happen.  Even if I don't always notice progress, it's happening below the surface.  The challenge for me is to stay focused in the present moment.  I do my best when I concentrate on what is in front of me.  Although I hardly ever find myself fantasizing about a different life now, I do find myself thinking about other things I want to do during the day or the week.  That is not the best way to go through my day.  Focusing my attention on what I am currently doing makes every task much more interesting, and that improves my overall mood.  I am still amazed at how well it works.  (unless kids are around, right, Chester??)

It is nothing new or original to say that golf is played one stroke at a time. But it took me many years to realize it.  ~~Bobby Jones

Here is a quote just for Queenie.  I find it strange that a man could articulate a woman's position so well:

The longer I live, the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.   ~~George Bernard Shaw

I haven't made any Christmas plans yet, so I will work on that today.  Last year I stayed home alone.  Not this year!