I have made plans for this afternoon and for tomorrow. I'll meet Ruthie and her family for church this afternoon, and I'll see Tammy and Lois tomorrow. But right now, I am lonely. I'm not missing a big holiday celebration; I just want someone here to talk to. I've been feeling unsettled the last few days. I have noticed the early warning signs like staying up late, overeating, and looking for solace in television. I've used the tools I've learned like doing my daily maintenance tasks, making lists, and trying to stay focused in the present moment. What I did not do until this morning was to take time out to sit quietly and experience my feelings. It took a while for me to realize that I was lonely. At first, I experienced a sort of free-floating anxiety. As I continued to allow my feelings to come to the surface, I realized that I was feeling lonely.
I am so tempted to write a resolution to these feelings, to say that I will be okay. And I do know that this will pass, and things will get better. But I don't want to negate these feelings, either, by writing that I have it all figured out. I just miss companionship and conversation.
Queenie just called, and that has helped some. Just a little conversation with another person. Nothing deep or meaningful, just being in touch with another person. A shared laugh, catching up on news, talking about nothing at all, really. That is what I am missing.
I've learned to trust myself, to listen to truth, to not be afraid of it and to not try and hide it.
Sarah McLachlan
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