Mixed Bag

Now that I am doing better, honesty will be the real challenge for me. I have a need to be a competent person, to be able to handle life's trials, both large and small.  I know that the need to be capable will kick in, and I will have a tendency to give an automatic "I am fine" response to inquiries and to put a positive spin on my narratives. In some ways, this is where the real work of recovery begins for me.

Note:  I believe that our faults are simply misused gifts.  My need to be a competent person is not all bad.  It can be a positive driving force in my life.  It is when I lose perspective on things that it gets out of control and becomes a detriment. 

The need to be competent is one reason I am thinking of returning to work.  My dwindling bank account is another.  The recognition that I really am doing better is a third.  My concern is that I am not ready to return to work.  I don’t want to set myself up for a relapse.  At the same time, I want to move forward.  I am depending on you to help me.  When you read my blog, please let me know if you think I am trying to put a positive spin on my story.  I value you opinion.  I know that I can delude myself easier than I can others.

Yesterday was one of those interesting days.  It was the kind of day where the unexpected happens.  I found water inside my kitchen cabinets underneath the sinks. I eventually discovered the source of the water. The hand sprayer had been leaking, and every time I turned the water on at the kitchen sink, water had been dripping down the hose inside the cabinet. After emptying and drying out the cabinet, I got out my handy plumbing repair kit.  I then discovered that the washer in the sprayer had a larger middle hole than comparable washers in my kit. They would not replace the washer in the sprayer. However, I tried placing a washer from my kit on top of the existing washer, and it worked! That’s the kind of thing I enjoy doing – finding an unusual solution to a problem.

After mopping up the water under the sink, and while waiting for the cabinet to dry out, I went to St. Theodore’s to help fold the church bulletins. I found that I was less comfortable interacting with other people, for some reason. I can think of two possibilities. First, I was a little tired yesterday. Second, I had not left the house the day before. Both of those could have affected me. My reserves may have been lower, or I might have been out of practice interacting with other people.  On the other hand, there might not have been a reason at all.  It might have been a natural fluctuation in my ability to function socially.  (Believing that there is a reason for my feeling awkward implies that I can control how I feel. It is comforting to think that I could manage how I feel, but I don’t think that’s realistic. There will be times when I feel awkward.)

On a negative note, I ate too much yesterday. I realized two or three times that I was eating and I wasn’t hungry. I didn’t stop, but kept on eating. I felt sick afterwards.

So, yesterday was a mixed bag. Perhaps I was dealing with (or maybe ignoring) some anxiety, and it was not a day of stellar performance. Feeling awkward around others, eating too much and making myself sick – these were not my best work. They were just the best I could do at the time.  On the other hand, I did fix my leaky faucet, and I cleaned up after myself. Snaps for that.

God makes three requests of his children: Do the best you can, where you are, with what you have, now.