Number 30

My challenge for yesterday was to stay calm and focus on the day. Once I calmed down, I could feel the effects of lack of sleep from the previous night – there were body parts that hurt. But I stayed calm and focused on the tasks at hand, and I managed to complete most of my to-do list. By the evening, I was tired, but still able to keep going. This is an improvement; there have been times when I had no “go” left in me. I remember thinking that I was glad tomorrow would be Friday, and then I realized that I’m not working! I had to laugh at myself. Sleep came easily, and I feel rested this morning. Most of the aches and pains have gone. Sleep knits the raveled sleeve of care.


I will never be cured of depression; it has been and will be my life-long companion. Looking back on my life, I can see it adversely affecting my every day life and influencing major decisions. Many times I have embarked on a new adventure in order to relieve what I now recognize as symptoms of depression. I’ve changed jobs, moved to another city, and returned to school (I had five different majors before I got my degree), always excited at the prospect of a new adventure. But the excitement could not be sustained, and depression always came along with me. Eventually, I would feel drained, inadequate, distressed, confused, and desperate for relief. Desolation followed until I sought out a new diversion.

Although not cured, I have turned a corner in my batter with the disease. I’ve copied the list of symptoms from the Mayo Clinic’s website. Looking at the list, I still experience unexplained aches and pains, feeling weak and fatigued, and occasional problems sleeping. My list of symptoms would not qualify for a diagnosis of depression! A major factor in my progress has been writing this blog.  I have not yet had a session with my counselor, and I don't think I would be functioning anywhere near where I am today without devoting the time each day to writing.  Some days I spent as much as four hours getting my thoughts down on paper.  Well, okay, it's not paper.  Getting my thoughts down on the web.  To you who read my blog, thank you!  Knowing that there were people out there reading this helped me to clarify my thoughts and get in touch with my feelings.  You should know that you have played a huge role in my recovery thus far.

I’m not doing an assessment to see how far I’ve come and how far I have to go. There is no final destination, no point at which I can declare victory over the disease. There is always the risk of relapse. It is essential for me to stay in tune with what's going on inside me, to keep developing a support network, and to get help when I need it. 

There only is the journey. One day at a time.

From the Mayo Clinic's website:

Symptoms of depression include:

 Loss of interest in normal daily activities

 Feeling sad or down

 Feeling hopeless

 Crying spells for no apparent reason

 Problems sleeping

 Trouble focusing or concentrating

 Difficulty making decisions

 Unintentional weight gain or loss

 Irritability

 Restlessness

 Being easily annoyed

 Feeling fatigued or weak

 Feeling worthless

 Loss of interest in sex

 Thoughts of suicide or suicidal behavior

 Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

I haven't a clue as to how my story will end. But that's all right. When you set out on a journey and night covers the road, you don't conclude the road has vanished. And how else could we discover the stars?

Peace.