Taking stock

I saw the nurse yesterday morning for vitals and a history, and then participated in peer group in the afternoon.  Both helped me to appreciate how far I've come in a couple of months.  Today, I am eating healthy.  Before, I ate fast food when I had the money to buy it.  It was high in calories and left me feeling satisfied and happy.  I could get it without leaving my car, which provided a kind of protective barrier between me and other people.  If I thought I or my clothes had an odor, I'd use perfume or Febreze just in case it would escape my car.  I wondered if I was leaving an odor in my car.  My hair was difficult.  I arranged it the best I could, concentrating on the left side, thinking the people at the drive-through wouldn't notice how funny the right side looked.  When fast food was no longer an option, I ventured out to the grocery store.  That was more difficult because there was no car to provide a barrier between me and other people.  I had to shower, wash my hair, and have clean clothes before going out.  I'd buy something cheap like dried beans and rice, and for a few days, I'd have food to eat.  Returning home from the grocery store unscathed felt like a victory. 

Today, my television is not on 24/7 any more.  It has lost much of its charm.  I used to focus on it; it was a diversion from the disorder and chaos surrounding me.  I would spend almost all of my time sitting or lying in bed, watching television and playing computer games.  It was how I occupied myself, at least while I had electricity.  I got almost no exercise.  Sometimes I spent days in my pajamas.  I spent day after day alone, both wishing for human contact and living in fear of someone coming up to my door.  I didn't want to talk to anyone I knew because I did not want to face those questions that everyone asks, "How are you?  What have you been doing?"  I couldn't tell the truth.  I didn't want anyone to know that I was not okay.

I didn't think a day of reckoning would occur, where the truth would be revealed.  I thought money was my problem, and I imagined winning the Powerball would solve all of my problems.  I searched online for the best appliances, cookware, and beds to furnish the house I would build.  I'd have a garden for fresh vegetables and can the rest.  I'd watch cooking shows and plan the meals I would serve.  That world of my imagination seemed like the real world to me. 

These days, I find myself involved with real life most of the time.  Sometimes I realize that I have escaped into daydreaming about things I'd like to do.  I know that everyone daydreams sometimes, and that daydreams in and of themselves are okay.  But when I daydream, it is a sign that I am out of touch with what is going one with me.  I'm feeling some sort of distress, but am trying to escape my feelings by going to a fantasy world.

Enough about the past.  It is depressing to think about.  I think at some point, I need to face where I've been and to acknowledge just how debilitated I was.  But not now.  It's time for me to recognize that this trip down memory lane is not serving me well today.  That's a good thing, though, for me to be aware when something is not helpful and to be able to let it go.  The next thing you know, I'll be daydreaming about some other life, not living the life that is in front of me.

The morning fog has lifted, the sun is shining, and the skies are blue.  It's a good metaphor for living in the light of reality and dealing with what is in front of me.  So for today, it's laundry, cooking, cleaning, and group.  And maybe hemming my curtains this evening. 

By the way, my blood pressure was high yesterday (no big surprise).  It's not dangerously high, but it needs attention.  I can arrange to have a personal physician through Moss Regional, although it will probably take a couple of months to get an appointment.  I would like to think that I can improve my condition by then so I wouldn't need medication, but I'm not sure that's reasonable.  Anyway, I should start the process of getting a physician.  My glucose level was fine, so that's a good thing. 

One of the secrets of life is to be honestly who you are. Who others want you to be, who you used to be, and who you may some day become ... these are fantasies. To be honestly who you are is to give up your illusions and face today with courage.  -- Bill Purdin