Thursday

My diagnosis puts my life in a new perspective.  I have tried unsuccessfully to live the kind of life that I thought I should be living.  Whether it was relationships or a career that I tried to pursue, I tried to live up to society's ideals.  I care about people in my own way.  I know that I don't feel emotions the same way as others, but I do care.  But it's hard to have friends when you need to spend a lot of time alone.  For me, trying to balance time alone and with others is tricky.  When I worked at St. Theodore's, it was a good balance for many years.  I was able to find that balance of social interaction and following solitary pursuits.  I was able to socialize some outside the office.  But I have to say that I hate pokeno.  I played it when I worked there because I like the people in the group, but it ranks right up there with gift showers for me.  Don't like those, either.  Anyway, this was probably the best time for me as far as relationships with others is concerned.  I still didn't have friends in the same way that you do, but my life was fairly stable.  But there were times when I was shocked into seeing how vacant my life was compared to others.  I remember one time in particular when I was taking a course through the Loyola Extension program.  We were supposed to take something that was meaningful to us to class.  I was excited to take my birthday present from the folks in my office.  It was a paper clip chain of little things that meant something to me, and we all had a good laugh about it.  I looked forward to explaining to my class what each thing meant.  I thought everyone would enjoy it.  But when other people showed things like their wedding rings and spoke of what their marriage had meant to them, and the woman who had undergone aggressive treatment for breast cancer showed us what gave her the strength to endure, I was embarrassed to show my little birthday present. 

And speaking of my diagnosis, I am thinking that the doctor said it was schizotypal personality disorder.  That word resonates in my brain as what he said.  I originally rejected that dx because I thought some things don't fit.  For example, I don't think I am suspicious or paranoid, I don't think I have mispercetions of reality, nor do I think I have odd beliefs or magical thinking.  I know you don't need to have all the symptoms to have a dx, and I guess I do have some magical thinking, but I don't think I am psychic.  Anyway, I'm pretty sure he said schizotypal and not schizoid.  After having some time to let the possibility settle in and taking the time to carefully read, I think that is my dx.  I've posted a link for this so you can read.  This is a good example though.  When I first read the descriptions of the two disorders, I immediately dismissed schizotypal because there were a couple of things that I rejected as appropriate.  I picked schizoid because I liked it better, I think.  But there was still that nagging thought in my mind that the word schizoid was not the right word.  So, know this when you are talking to me.  Sometimes it takes a while for me to process ideas, so I often can't answer right away.  Also, I often have an immediate reaction to something without thinking things through.  I need time to "walk around" with new notions sometimes.  I want to be clear, however, that the idea of selling the house is one that I am fully okay about.  I know I can't afford to keep it and I am unable to maintain it.  Although I like this house, I also think that apartment living will be better for me.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/schizotypal-personality-disorder/DS00830