As I wrote yesterday, looking at the symptoms of schizotypal personality disorder had a negative impact on me. I didn't want to write about my feelings at the time. About the same time, we were trying to close out NRFU at work and begin VDC. Things were tense, at best. I was focusing on one day at a time, never knowing what kind of a day it would be. I hate disorder and conflict, and there was plenty of that to go around. Instructions for clerks could change daily, sometimes more often. There were two overlapping shifts, and no one really supervised the work. It was chaotic, and there were frequent arguments. So, I didn't have anything left for any meaningful writing.
One lesson I've tried to learn from the experience is to pace myself. I should have taken a break from looking at the disorder when I felt it was having an adverse effect on me. But I felt compelled to keep on going until I was finished. I tend to get overly excited about projects, having unrealistic expectations of what I can do. I don't get it that I'm trying to take on too much. I can get carried away in the planning stages and get so excited about something that I wear myself out before I get started. I also will keep on working on something when I should stop for the day. The day I crashed through the deck was just such a day. I might not have crashed through so hard if I had been paying attention. But I was hot, tired, wanted to get finished outside, and down I went. So, I've been focusing less on how much is left to do and more on how well I'm doing. When I feel like it's time for me to stop, I quit until I'm ready to get back to it.
“I tend to get overly excited about projects, having unrealistic expectations of what I can do. I don't get it that I'm trying to take on too much. I can get carried away in the planning stages and get so excited about something that I wear myself out before I get started.”
ReplyDeleteI think if I remember correctly, there are similar statements in earlier blogs.
It is a relief to me to see you writing again. I know when you withdraw you are in trouble, no matter how much you try to deflect those concerns. I have not been of much help to you in recent weeks. This surgery recovery is taking longer than I expected and the pain meds made me goofy at best. To illustrate: In the past couple of weeks I sent the mortgage payment check only partially signed (they called me and agreed to debit the account instead of running the check) and I sent two checks to waste management, one for their amount and one for the electric bill amount, both payable to waste management. Again they called me and we were able to straighten it out over the phone and I sent another check to Beauregard electric. In my defense, when I did the waste management and electric payments, I knew something was wrong, but could not for the life of me figure out what it was.
Fortunately I am needing pain RX less often and I may becoming out of the the fog. It seems like I feel really good one day and do a lot of things, then the next day I am really hurting and have to recuperate again. I guess overdoing it is a family trait, remember how Mama used to clean up a storm and then not be able to move for a week because she was so sore and stiff?
I hope you can get things on an even keel soon and come for a visit and some dental work.