Why I Took Time Off from Blogging

I slept in this morning.  It was after 6 before I woke up.

Way back in June, when I thought my dx was schizotypal personality disorder instead of schizoid personality disorder, I went through a process of trying to be objective as to whether or not they fit me.  It was an attempt to have some perspective on how I function, generally speaking.  I think I always felt different.  I didn't seem to feel emotions like other people did.  I've always been self-conscious, trying to compare myself to other people.  Smart, kind, friendly, attractive, funny, engaging - how did I stack up compared to others?  I always felt like my natural interactions with others didn't go well, and over time, I more and more cautious with my behavior, trying to act in a way that I felt like I fit in.  I studied people I admired, trying to adopt similar ways of interacting.  Through it all, I wore the notion that I was fine like a suit of armor.  There were times when I had difficulties with others, and I wasn't sure how much was due to the other person and how much was due to me.  But it wasn't until the 90's that I really began to realize that everyone else had a social life outside of work, and that I was comfortable and happy with social interactions within the framework of work.  I realized that there were a lot of people that I considered to be friends, but I didn't have anything to do with them outside of work.  I am not comfortable with other people unless there is some kind of structure and purpose to a gathering.  The structure could be as simple as gathering for drinks after work at TM & D.  You drank and talked about work and the partners. 

When I worked at the church, I had ample opportunity to be involved with others.  When I left St. Theodore, I didn't have the same opportunites, and I became more isolated and more conscious of the fact that something was missing.  Things went downhill from there.

So my exploration of the symptoms of schizotypal personality disorder was an attempt to gain some perspective on myself.  Obviously I previously had disintegrated to the point where I could no longer function in a competent manner.  I wanted to see if I could get some insight.  The process was intense, and it had a negative effect on me.  I probably should have stopped the exploration for a while, but I felt compelled to complete it.  By the time I was finished, I felt like damaged goods.  It was a short time later that my front tooth broke.  It felt symbolic, a visual indication of how I felt inside.  In some way, I didn't want to get fixed immediately.  It stood for something, and I wanted to wear that badge of brokenness.

Now that my job has ended, and I have had some time to decompress, I back at the point where I can once again write more than a recap of daily activities.