Saturday, May 22, 2010

Recovering

I'm getting better.  I'd like to say that I'm more myself, but maybe I'm more myself on meds.  So what does that mean?  In practical terms, it means that I am better able to make plans and carry them out.  Although I could do that before without meds with the tools I acquired in WRAP, I needed all day to plan and carry out those plans.  Part of it was time, and part of it was the space, mind-space, actually, to sit down, plan, and then complete the tasks on my list.  Working without meds, on the other hand, took away the time and space I needed to function, I guess.  I couldn't find the mental space to function very well.  It was as though the executive function portion of my brain didn't work.  And I didn't know how to express that.  I could post daily without meds before, but it took hours for me to post each day.  I can only focus enough to write fairly quickly when I am medicated.  My days consisted of going to work, making sure I had clean clothes to wear and food to eat.  I was tired all the time, just getting through each day.  And each day represented something that I had to just get through.  It wasn't a day to be lived, enjoyed, or experienced in any meaningful way, just something to endure as though the next day would be better.  But the next day never was any better.  Always the same, just getting through each day.  It is a good description of how my life has been for years.  And, although I don't want to repeat it again, this time without meds has given me some insight into where I've been.

3 comments:

  1. I hope I can express this correctly. I get a inkling that you are resisting having to take meds to be yourself. If you need RX, you need RX, what ever it is for. I take a long list of RX because I need them. And while there is no guaranteed happy ever after, life should be more than just getting through day after day. You deserve more and if the RX helps you achieve that, hurray for them.

    Maybe I am off and you aren't resisting. only you know. But I wish you a better life that you have had in the past.

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  2. I'm not resisting. I never want to be without them again! I don't want to go back to struggling to exist day by day. But I had not realized before just how bleak my days were. I just tried to get by, day by day, thinking each day that the next day, the next week, the next month, would be better. I have a kind of before and after feeling about things. Before meds and after meds. After meds represents the chance for me to live a more fulfilling life. Before meds represents a place I don't want to go back to.

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  3. Its good to be wrong sometimes. Glad you look at the meds that way.

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