Finally

Today is my first day in twenty years as a non-smoker!  Yay!  It's something that I've been thinking about for a long time. I'm very much susceptible to triggers, to events and even times of the day, that call me to smoke.  So, when I started working, I did not take any smoke breaks.  As a result, any thought of smoking at work is a fleeting moment rather than a strong urge. 

I don't think this weekend will be that hard, at least, I hope not!  I think the toughest time will be Monday after work, but we'll see.

So, I've been up for 45 minutes, and I haven't smoked today.  Right now, I have a strong urge to get dressed and drive to Kershaw's for a pack.  Let's see how long it takes for the urge to pass.

Lately I've been rearranging things around the house in ways that have made my life easier.  Little things that make a difference, little things that I wonder why I never thought about before.  For example, I've always had issues with storing clothes like shorts, underwear, socks, and pajamas.  I didn't take my dresser with me when I moved here; I got a set of plastic drawers that fit inside my closet.  I thought that these, with a pair of two-drawer... (what do I call them?  They're two-drawer units that I originally placed on either side of my bed, and that now reside in the living room).  Anyway, I those clothes never quite fit.  I always had an overflow somewhere. 

Well, the light bulb went off last week.  I have got a ton of closet space.  So I hung up all my sleepwear and my slips.  Now I have plenty of drawer space, and matching tops and bottoms are side by side on hangers.

A couple of days ago I changed locations of where I store my coffee and moved my coffee maker near the kitchen sink.  Now the coffee maker is right next to water, cups and spoons.  And by moving the bread maker to the opposite counter, I have more counter space near the sink. 

I can't think of other aha moments I've had lately, but there have been several.  However, aha is not exactly the right word.  They are more like d'oh moments.  Like why didn't I think of this before moments! 

Well, its about time to finish my laundry this morning, but I want to wash what I'm wearing, so I guess I'd better sign off and take my shower.  Before I go, I want to thank you for reading my blog and supporting me.  I treasure your comments, so, please, continue to respond. 

Quick Post

I'm crossing my fingers that my internet connection lasts long enough to post this morning.  I've getting only brief periods of connectivity, and then the link goes kaput again.

Today I'm preparing for the Peer Employment Training  which starts next week in Lafayette.  And doing laundry....  And packing up things that I don't need right now.

I'm so looking forward to this training.  To me, it feels like an important milestone on my road to recovery.  I still have the tendency to get "stuck", as though my brain gets lost in thought, and I lose focus on the here and now.  It can happen when I feel anxious because the future is uncertain, and it can happen when I feel excited about future possibilities.  Either way, I can get lost in time.  So, these two weeks of staying in the moment, working on the training, will not only be a good focusing tool for me, it will give me oppportunities to put into practice what I've learned.  And that will help me to stay focused.

Tuesday

Spending time working on my WRAP plan has been very helpful.  It helps me to break things down into manageable steps.  I'm pleased with my day yesterday.  I did most of the things on my to-do list. 

I was so excited to find fresh cranberries at the grocery store yesterday.  I've been waiting for them since last year.  Cranberry orange muffins!  Yum!  I put some in the freezer to limit my consumption. 

There was a funny notice posted in the produce section.  It read, "Cilantro.  A no no for gumbo."  I loved it.

Yesterday my phone rang while I was sitting at the kitchen table.  I stood up and realized that the ring came from my left.  I walked into the living room, and turned 180 degrees to face the desk.  The phone wasn't there.  Then I realized that the sound was coming from the opposite direction, so I walked into the kitchen and looked at the counter.  Not there, either.  As I turned around, the sound seemed to be coming from the table.  I walked to the table, looked around.  No phone.  I spun around a few times.  No phone.  The ringing stopped.  I slapped my leg in consternation, and then I felt it.  It was in my pocket the whole time.  There I was spinning and walking around, taking my phone with me whereever I went. 

Well, that's about it.  I'm taking it slow today, doing a little cooking and working the last bedroom.  And practicing the Zen of Chester.

WRAPPING

Yesterday I worked on my WRAP plan.  It's something that I've been thinking about and working on in my head, but yesterday I sat down and started typing up my lists.  Although it is a dynamic plan, one that I will continually adjust, it is beginning to feel more complete now, something that I can refer to every day to help me stay on track. 

Today I have my to-do list, one that is manageable and reasonable.  Well, that's about it, I guess.  It's time to make my grocery list. 

Happy Monday

Will the Third Time Be the Charm?

It was one year ago today that I began my journey of recovery.  To mark this anniversary, I planned show where I'd been and where I am now.  I uploaded pictures of my house, and I took photos to show how it looks today.  But as I started to describe what my life was like back then and looked at the photos, I did not feel like it was a healthy thing for me to do to go back there.  Maybe someday, but not now.  I'm glad I have the photographic documentation of today and one year ago today, but I'm not going to look at them any more for a while.  Suffice it to say that I never dreamed I would get to such a state.

So, I started a new post for today, attempt number two.  Then my mouse froze.  I finally had to restart my computer.  Okay, so here I go again.  Attempt number three.

Two months ago, Jeremy told me that there was a push to stop seeing clients who were doing as well as I was so that they could concentrate those clients whose needs were more acute.  He gave me the option of stopping or continuing to see him.  I know how I am.  I can do well for a long time, and then I can reach a period where things start to break down for me.  So, I opted to stay with him, and I figured I'd need to see him again in a couple of months.  I saw him yesterday, and we came up with a plan to tackle the last bedroom.  And I'll see him again in two weeks. 

I also met the peer support specialist coordinator.  I will be able to co-facilitate in upcoming WRAP classes, and I discovered another on-going group that meets weekly.  I attended one group that meets on Tuesdays at the Mental Health Center, but it wasn't helpful to me.  I have a feeling that this other one will work better for me, so I'm looking forward to checking out the other one. 

I can see the benefit of focusing on recovery rather than illness.  Just looking at those photos was distressing, and trying to write about that time, even briefly, was not good for me. 

Wednesday

The last couple of days have been nap days.  On Tuesday, I stretched out at noon to watch Judge Alex, the best-looking judge on TV, and promptly fell asleep.  This morning, I fell asleep around 7. 

I've been cooking, made a wonderful meatloaf.  Today I'm going to roast a chicken with sausage and potatoes.  Yum. 

That's about it.  Just the usual. 

Monday

Mowed the yard yesterday.  I replaced the spark plug in my push mower, but I really hoped that it would not start.  It started up on the first pull.  So, I mowed the yard side of the ditch.  I'll do the street side later.  It wasn't so bad, since it's not hot and humid.  In fact, it's been so dry that I've been shocked from static electricity inside the house.  And that's without walking on carpet.  And back to mowing, I do a better job using the push mower instead of the weed eater on the ditch.  It's hard to get an even cut with the weed eater.

Today is house cleaning in the morning, and a funeral this afternoon.  It will be good to see extended family, but I'm afraid that this might be a hard one. 

Sunday

Okay, so yesterday I wanted to sleep late, but woke up around 3:30.  Today I wanted to get up early, but slept until around 8:30.  Guess I had some catching up to do on my sleep.  It seems I wake up around either 3:30, 5:30, or 8:30.  Something about that half-hour. 

McNeese played LSU for the first time yesterday.  They lost, naturally.  The score was 32-10, but the headline read, "LSU edges McNeese 32-10."  Edges??  Although McNeese scored the first touchdown, it was hardly a cliffhanger.  One of the professors at McNeese who attended LSU had a hard time deciding which team to root for, so she took two tee shirts, one from each school, cut them in half, stapled them together, and put duct tape inside to cover up the staples.  How Louisiana is that?

Well, I'm on my second cup of coffee, and I'm beginning to feel awake.  For a while there, I thought it was going to be nap time. 

Think I'll mow the yard today.  I'm thinking it may be the last time to mow this year. 

I searched for a quote to add to today's blog, but I didn't find anything that appealed to me.  So, I've decided to record some random observations.

Every time I see an ad for the latest new wonder drug, I wonder how long it will before I see an ad for a class action lawsuit against the manufacturer.  I'll be attorneys were delighted when drug companies were allowed to begin advertising.  More hype for a new drug means more consumers and a bigger lawsuit.

Speaking of attorneys, on my way home from Austin I heard an ad on the radio.  It went something like this:  "While it is illegal to drive with an open container in your car, did you know that it is legal to drink responsibly and drive?  If you are arrested for DWI, call attorney so-and-so at this number."  Really?  If you're drinking responsibly, why are you being arrested for DWI?  As I was pondering this odd commerical, I saw a billboard for a criminal attorney.  It read, "Call 713-IT WASNT ME."  I'm serious.  That was the billboard.

Saturday

Well, I tried to sleep in this morning, but I woke up at 3:30 feeling wide awake.  Early to bed and early to rise, that's me!

I had a good time folding bulletins yesterday at  St. Theodore yesterday.  Saw some old friends I hadn't seen in a long time. 

I started cleaning out the last bedroom.  Now I know why I had been putting it off.  I must have a couple hundred pounds of books in there...

The weather has been cool and dry.  I have been enjoying the weather, but it has been playing havoc with my internet connection.  It continually goes on and off.  So far, so good, this morning, but that doesn't mean very much.  I never know when it will go out.

To achieve great things, two things are needed; a plan, and not quite enough time.  ~~Leonard Bernstein

Friday

I had my sonogram on Wednesday.  The bed was very comfortable, and I could relax and almost imagine that I was lying on a tropical beach, at least from the waist up.  From the waist down, I was very conscious of, first, a very full bladder, and then later, of my knees being up in the air in an awkward position.  It was not a position that I would choose in public! 

I asked to see the pictures, but the woman gave me a lame excuse that they had been sent to a computer.  When she left the room, I could see one large picture on the screen, and thumbprints of others below it.  I looked at them before I got dressed.  I couldn't tell what I was looking at.  When I got home, I, of course, looked at images on the internet, and that didn't help, either. 

I slept in this morning.  I did not wake up until about 5:30.  I've been waking up around 3:30, having my coffee, then taking a short nap around 6 o'clock.  I've been sleeping well, going to sleep almost immediately, and waking up the next morning in virutally the same position. 

I'm going to St. Theodore's today to help them fold church bulletins.  I need to get out and be with people.  I also need to get some exercise today.  I've got some books I can pack this morning to send to St. Theodore's.  That will give me a little workout, and get me started on cleaning out the last bedroom.  Then I can have some room to set up my exercise machine.  I definitely need to work out.  I was in the mood for chocolate last night, so I made some chocolate pudding.  The whole recipe called for 1/2 cup of sugar, so it wouldn't have been a bad choice if I had eaten just a little bit of it.  But I ate the whole thing...

Well, that's the news from here.  It's another gorgeous day; nice and cool, and the sun is just beginning to rise.

Sunday Morning

The facilitator training this past week was wonderful.  The focus was on wellness, how to become well and how to stay well.  I got some great tips from the people in the group, such as paying attention to how I feel each day.  I often make plans of what I want to do in the upcoming days, only to find that I can't get it all done.  Paying attention to how I feel during the day will help me to be more realistic as to what I can do.  I can adjust my expectations accordingly.  Today I will do laundry, cook, get ready for errands tomorrow, and work on my WRAP plan.  That will be enough for the day. 

I feel more like myself than I have in years.  Lately I've been very flat - feeling no emotions at all.  Not sad, not happy, nothing.  No wonder I didn't have much motivation.  Now I feel more peaceful and content.  I also feel more connected to my body.  I feel more alive whereas I had been just existing.

One thing that I've struggled with all my life is vacillating between being sluggish, not being able to get started, and being hyper, wanting to do too much, feeling excited, nervous and anxious.  I can now look at this as an early warning sign, and create an action plan to help me deal with this. 

So, all in all, I have to say that I am optimistic about my future, taking one day at a time.

WRAP Facilitator Training

I attended a WRAP Facilitator Training last week in Shreveport.  It was the best thing for me, as I knew it would be.  The focus on WRAP is getting healthy and living healthy for long periods of time.  It helped me to recognize some things that I had been struggling with as early warning signs that I am not functioning as well as I could be and to do something about them. 

I have to say that, right now, I feel more whole, more like myself, than I have in many years. 

Well, I've been up since 4:30, had my coffee, took a nap, had breakfast, and am off to run errands. 

Marble Falls

I'm here in Marble Falls, and feeling more whole again.  It's hard for me to describe what it's been like these last few weeks.  It's as though my mind has been adrift without anything to anchor it.  I can't even tell you what I've thought about. 

I am pleased to report that I no longer have a big gaping hole in the front of my teeth.  Carla was able to reattach my crown, and, as long as I don't do anything crazy, it should hold.  She did a great job of fitting it back into place.  I am very grateful to her for restoring my smile and getting rid of my lisp.  And Marian and Chester, for so many things. 

I have installed an RSS feed button on my blog.  If you subscribe, it will give you a heads up and a link when I post.  It's helpful when you are following different sites.  You can see at an instant which sites have been updated.  My homepage is google, which I have customized using igoogle.  When I log on, my homepage opens with a sattelite image of the earth, news from KPLC, and other sites I follow.  I can then see at a glance which items I want to explore further.  This is my first posting since adding the RSS button, so I will see what appears on my home page. 

Beautiful Saturday

Daylight doesn't come early enough for me these days.  I enjoy watching the creatures of the world come to life each morning, and this time of year, I'm up long before anything starts to stir.  The days are definitely getting shorter.  And it's getting a little cooler.

One of my neighbors across the street has a light that shines brightly on the ground below.  As the sky begins to lighten, but before the sun rises, birds gather on the wires coming from his utility pole.  They sit there until it is light enough for them to find bugs in the grass.  I supposed they gather on these wires because the light shining on the yard below makes it the first place where bugs are visible. 

The first time I saw them gathered there, they were already in place, and they did not move.  Their positions on two wires made a football-shaped object in the sky.  It was too dark to see the wires on which they perched, and I couldn't discern in the low light that they were birds.  I couldn't figure out what it my neighbor had erected in his yard!

I turned in my application for Tower Oaks and dropped off documentation needed for Food Stamps yesterday.  Today will be yard day.  Progress, a little at the time.

I'm looking forward to a trip to Texas, and getting my tooth fixed!  In the meantime, I want to get the house in shape and attend group at the mental health center. 

Why I Took Time Off from Blogging, Part II

As I wrote yesterday, looking at the symptoms of schizotypal personality disorder had a negative impact on me.  I didn't want to write about my feelings at the time.  About the same time, we were trying to close out NRFU at work and begin VDC.  Things were tense, at best.  I was focusing on one day at a time, never knowing what kind of a day it would be.  I hate disorder and conflict, and there was plenty of that to go around.  Instructions for clerks could change daily, sometimes more often.  There were two overlapping shifts, and no one really supervised the work.  It was chaotic, and there were frequent arguments.  So, I didn't have anything left for any meaningful writing.

One lesson I've tried to learn from the experience is to pace myself.  I should have taken a break from looking at the disorder when I felt it was having an adverse effect on me.  But I felt compelled to keep on going until I was finished.  I tend to get overly excited about projects, having unrealistic expectations of what I can do.  I don't get it that I'm trying to take on too much.  I can get carried away in the planning stages and get so excited about something that I wear myself out before I get started.  I also will keep on working on something when I should stop for the day.  The day I crashed through the deck was just such a day.  I might not have crashed through so hard if I had been paying attention.  But I was hot, tired, wanted to get finished outside, and down I went.  So, I've been focusing less on how much is left to do and more on how well I'm doing.  When I feel like it's time for me to stop, I quit until I'm ready to get back to it. 

Why I Took Time Off from Blogging

I slept in this morning.  It was after 6 before I woke up.

Way back in June, when I thought my dx was schizotypal personality disorder instead of schizoid personality disorder, I went through a process of trying to be objective as to whether or not they fit me.  It was an attempt to have some perspective on how I function, generally speaking.  I think I always felt different.  I didn't seem to feel emotions like other people did.  I've always been self-conscious, trying to compare myself to other people.  Smart, kind, friendly, attractive, funny, engaging - how did I stack up compared to others?  I always felt like my natural interactions with others didn't go well, and over time, I more and more cautious with my behavior, trying to act in a way that I felt like I fit in.  I studied people I admired, trying to adopt similar ways of interacting.  Through it all, I wore the notion that I was fine like a suit of armor.  There were times when I had difficulties with others, and I wasn't sure how much was due to the other person and how much was due to me.  But it wasn't until the 90's that I really began to realize that everyone else had a social life outside of work, and that I was comfortable and happy with social interactions within the framework of work.  I realized that there were a lot of people that I considered to be friends, but I didn't have anything to do with them outside of work.  I am not comfortable with other people unless there is some kind of structure and purpose to a gathering.  The structure could be as simple as gathering for drinks after work at TM & D.  You drank and talked about work and the partners. 

When I worked at the church, I had ample opportunity to be involved with others.  When I left St. Theodore, I didn't have the same opportunites, and I became more isolated and more conscious of the fact that something was missing.  Things went downhill from there.

So my exploration of the symptoms of schizotypal personality disorder was an attempt to gain some perspective on myself.  Obviously I previously had disintegrated to the point where I could no longer function in a competent manner.  I wanted to see if I could get some insight.  The process was intense, and it had a negative effect on me.  I probably should have stopped the exploration for a while, but I felt compelled to complete it.  By the time I was finished, I felt like damaged goods.  It was a short time later that my front tooth broke.  It felt symbolic, a visual indication of how I felt inside.  In some way, I didn't want to get fixed immediately.  It stood for something, and I wanted to wear that badge of brokenness.

Now that my job has ended, and I have had some time to decompress, I back at the point where I can once again write more than a recap of daily activities. 

Tuesday

I've been up long enough for morning coffee, breakfast, and a nap.  I've got a load of laundry going, and yard work and house cleaning are on the agenda for today.  It's cool this morning, so it's a good time to be outside. 

I had planned to post yesterday, but it was one of those days where "simple" tasks become more involved.  Like hooking up a printer-scanner to my computer.  I went online to download the printer driver, selected the various options, only to discover that the driver came with my operating system.  All I had to do was plug it in, turn it on, connect to my computer, and wait for the driver to automatically install.  Piece of cake!  Except that I couldn't get the scan function to work.  Back to the internet I went, and search around until I found something labeled "scanning workaround."  The scanning button didn't work, but there was a way to scan.  Okay, I was set.  Except some of the pages kept jamming, and I'd have to begin scanning all over again.  And of course, since I had to scan to a picture file instead of a word document, it took a long to time load the files when I emailed them.

By the time I finished, it was time for lunch before going to pick up my meds.  It was my scheduled day.  One can't just call in to get a prescription refilled; you have to get the appointment desk to schedule a day for you to pick them up.  Fortunately, they are not strict on making you wait until the last day of your prescription to get a refill, but you have to go on the day you are scheduled.  It took me about six months to get clued in on that.

Anyway, before leaving, I wrote down the size for my A/C filter, and measured the fluroescent lights above my kitchen sink so I could be sure of getting the correct sizes.  I get to the store, and all the light bulbs of the correct size look too fat.  There were some that looked like the correct diameter, but they were too short.  I was in a hurry when I measured.  Did I get the length wrong?  I stood in the store, debating.  Fortunately, I got the correct size.  The new bulbs were fatter than the old, but the connectors were the same, and they fit just fine.  Except that it's awkward fitting them into the fixture above the sink, and I didn't seat one of them properly.  The lights put on a show, with light waves flickering back and forth, up one bulb and back down the other.  Back up on the ladder to re-install. 

It was just one of those days.  Everything was a production.  Nothing dramatic like crashing through my deck, just little things that ate up my day.  By the time I had prepared and eaten dinner, I was done.  I thought about writing before I went to bed, but all I could think about was sleep.

Okay, now my mouse is stuck in the middle of my screen.  This program automatically saves every minute, so I won't lose anything I've written, but I think I may have to reboot in order to publish.  Here we go again!

Okay, I've rebooted and am back in business. 

Penultimate Day of Work

A few weeks ago, we had the Last Supper at the Census Bureau for those who were terminated due to lack of work.  Yesterday, we had the Supper After for the rest of us clerks.  The food was good, and it provided some much-needed entertainment for us.  The last two days at Census we have discussed pranks, played hangman, and solved math problems.  That should give you some idea of how little there is for us to do.  We're getting pretty desperate.  There is talk of boxing things up and putting them on pallets today and tomorrow, but beyond personnel files, I don't think there's much left to put on pallets.

There is a room full of binders in boxes, but those can't be sealed and placed on pallets until Monday.  Since all of the clerks will be gone by then, it will be up to the managers and supervisors to do the heaving lifting.  The original plan was to start shipping today by FedEx, but that was changed to shipping by pallet, which requires additional programming.  Hence, the delay.

Well, time to sign off and spruce up the house. 

Monday

I had an appointment with Jeremy today.  We discussed me moving into a different treatment plan where I simply see the psychologist and nurse.  I opted to see Jeremy again in two months.  I know how I am; I can do well for a long time, then begin to decline.

I didn't return to work afterwards.  I wanted to get some yard work done.  And since there's there's little left to do, no one objected.  I had trimmed all the trees in the yard on Saturday.  I was tired of getting beaten up by the trees as I mowed.  But I had left all the branches where they fell.  I wanted to get them piled up before they dried out and broke apart as I tried to move them.  It took me about four hours to get them all moved because it was so hot.  I could work for about 20 minutes at a time, then I'd have to stop and cool off.  I tied a piece of string to the back of my mower, then wrapped the other end around the branches and tied it off.  I would have never made it if I had to carry them all by hand.

My next project is to get the ditch mowed.  I'm not sure when I'll be able to get that done - that's going to take more exertion, and it's just so hot right now. 

I did get one section of ditch mowed this weekend.  I drove my mower into the ditch.  I've always had a fear of falling into the ditch and the mower landing on top of me.  It felt like the mower was leaning towards the ditch, and I leaned to the right, and I guess I turned the wheel when I did, because I drove right into the ditch.  I took some photos and I will post them later.  My neighbor pulled it out with his truck, and I finished mowing the yard.  Even that took most of the day.  You know it's hot when you have to take a break from riding a mower.

I got a few boxes, so I'll be able to clean out the last bedroom and pack up my winter clothes. 

I heard from Bruce; the deck should be fixed by Thursday, and I'll be able to cook again.

Saturday

Well, I'm still working.  The big lay-off didn't happen.  Three people asked to be let go, and I think the only other person who as terminated was the receptionist.  Go figure. 

Yesterday we put 3000 binders into boxes which we will start shipping on the 26th.  When I say "we" I am speaking of three women.  We had two men helping us in the morning, but one left for good at 10 AM and the other left at noon.  Oh, yes, we had two more men helping us during the day - they broke down empty boxes and stacked them.  The women did the heavy lifting.