Will the Third Time Be the Charm?

It was one year ago today that I began my journey of recovery.  To mark this anniversary, I planned show where I'd been and where I am now.  I uploaded pictures of my house, and I took photos to show how it looks today.  But as I started to describe what my life was like back then and looked at the photos, I did not feel like it was a healthy thing for me to do to go back there.  Maybe someday, but not now.  I'm glad I have the photographic documentation of today and one year ago today, but I'm not going to look at them any more for a while.  Suffice it to say that I never dreamed I would get to such a state.

So, I started a new post for today, attempt number two.  Then my mouse froze.  I finally had to restart my computer.  Okay, so here I go again.  Attempt number three.

Two months ago, Jeremy told me that there was a push to stop seeing clients who were doing as well as I was so that they could concentrate those clients whose needs were more acute.  He gave me the option of stopping or continuing to see him.  I know how I am.  I can do well for a long time, and then I can reach a period where things start to break down for me.  So, I opted to stay with him, and I figured I'd need to see him again in a couple of months.  I saw him yesterday, and we came up with a plan to tackle the last bedroom.  And I'll see him again in two weeks. 

I also met the peer support specialist coordinator.  I will be able to co-facilitate in upcoming WRAP classes, and I discovered another on-going group that meets weekly.  I attended one group that meets on Tuesdays at the Mental Health Center, but it wasn't helpful to me.  I have a feeling that this other one will work better for me, so I'm looking forward to checking out the other one. 

I can see the benefit of focusing on recovery rather than illness.  Just looking at those photos was distressing, and trying to write about that time, even briefly, was not good for me. 

Monday morning

I am still amazed at how well my new C-Pap mask fits.  You see, I started out, years ago, with nose pillows.  That's the term used for two cones that fit inside your nostrils.  Those started out as uncomfortable and, after months of trying, ended up being unbearable.  Then I began trying different masks.  They all leaked air,  blowing a stream of air into one eye or the other.  Now, all these masks have different straps with them, and having them too loose or too tight will result in air leakage.  So, I would put the masks on, then try to make various adjustments to 5 straps to stop the leakage.  Maybe this one is too tight, or is that other one too loose?  Now, after having this little mask, I know how it feels to have one that actually fits.  The last one I used was the same model, but in a larger size.  It worked, but this one fits like a dream.  I don't have to precisely adjust the straps to avoid leakage.  After about 9 or 10 years of using my machine, I finally have a mask that fits comfortably, and one that I can move around while wearing without having it move out of position.

I didn't get anything accomplished yesterday.  I just couldn't get started.  But I did get up early this morning, and made some good progress this morning.  I think I'll start posting pictures of my progress as an incentive to get me going. 

Time for me to go to post office and bank before leaving for my Jeremy appointment this morning.  Talked to Tammy about hurrication plans, but she won't really know anything in advance. 

Sunday

I mowed yesterday.  The yard looks good, but I've got a little weed-eating to do and some round up to apply. 

I got my c-pap mask yesterday.  It is smaller than the one I had before, and it fits perfectly around my nose.  It is even better than my previous one.  I can sleep in any position without it being distorted.  I slept very well last night. 

Today is also paperwork day, organizing my bedroom day, and laundry day.  It will feel good to get that accomplished.  And call Tammy day.

By the way, I found pictures of the house on realtor.com.  That's about it, I guess.  Short and sweet.

Saturday

I have managed to keep up the good order, and this weekend I plan to complete straightening up my bedroom.  I'm keeping the kitchen immaculate; clean up is immediate.  I have a great incentive for keeping the kitchen clean - fire ants.  Any spot or film of grease left behind attracts them.  I have found that windex not only clean off grease from surfaces, but also kills the ants, so if I've missed a spot, I can clean and get rid of the ants at the same time.  A few days ago, I found them back in my cabinet where I keep my canned goods.  It took me a while to see what they were after.  The source of the attraction?  A stick of shortening. 

Also on the agenda for this weekend is mowing the yard and paperwork. 

I added the storm tracker widget to keep abreast of developments in the gulf in case I miss the news.  You never know when one might flare up.  I've changed the source to NOAA.  I like this one better; you can click on a link to take you to their website for more information.

By the way, I'm still eating tomatoes.  I have 2 left.  I have enjoyed them very much.

Exploration, Part II

Continuing on...

Eccentric behavior.  You'll have to help me out here. 

Lack of close friends.  This definitely describes me.  I always liked going out to eat lunch because this was my socialization time.  There was something about getting into a car, traveling somewhere, and eating together that filled a need for me.  Staying in and having lunch did not feel the same.  But if I could go out to eat with other people, my need for human interaction was satisfied.  I've lived here for 7 or 8 years, and I've visited one neighbor once.  And we used to teach at Barbe together.  All of my friends have come from work situations.  And while that may not be so unusual, I usually did not see them outside of the work environment. 

Socially anxious.  Yes.  If I have a defined role to play, I am fine.  But if I'm in a purely social situation, I feel anxious.

Well, that's it for going through the symptoms. It's interesting reading Queenie's comments.  I think I was in the 7th grade when you got married.  I just remember that I was in junior high when Carla was born.  I, too, don't remember much about the early years.  I have some memory of the floors being waxed with paste wax.  And there's something about trying to teach Mama to jitterbug one Saturday during cleaning.  And I remember that you and Judy did the dishes every night until you graduated from high school.  As far as Mama's hospitalization is concerned, I remember hearing her tell someone that a doctor had prescribed a medication for her that made her heart race (some kind of thyroid medication, I think) and, from how she described it, maybe she was found in a catatonic state.  I guess what really happened will remain a mystery.  I don't know how long they generally kept people hospitalized back in the day, but it seems to me that 10 days was a substantial amount of time.  I can imagine that it would seem like several weeks to a young child. 

I think you made a good point about adopting other people's interests.  I am much more comfortable pursuing things with others in the lead.  And as far as the stick-to-it-ness is concerned, that's true, too.  Whenever I start something new, I have an increased sense of purpose and get to discover new things.  And I get to interact with people on a level that I am comfortable with.  But when the new wears off, I am lost.  If don't know if that makes sense. 

And I have trouble connecting the theoretical with the practical.  I made the highest grade in my class on my statistics final in graduate school, but I have a hard time knowing how much money I need to pay my bills.

Thanks

Wow, thanks, Queenie, for your comments.  You've given me new insight that I didn't have before.  This is a quick post today; I've got my mammogram this morning.

I enjoyed the fresh vegetables very much.  I had the most amazing hamburgers with fresh tomatoes piled on top.  I had to be careful of the juice dripping from them, and the buns began to slide all over the place.  They were fabulous.  And I had fantastic fajitas with fresh tomatoes and peppers.  Didn't miss the salsa at all.  The corn and the eggplant were wonderful, too.  Quite a treat!

Well, I've got to get a move on.  I'm working the late shift just for today, from 3 to 8.  Back on regular shift tomorrow.

Exploration, Part I

I've been thinking about the symptoms of my disorder and which ones apply to me.  I'm going to give it my best shot.  I don't want to paint myself with the disorder, to look for symptoms that aren't there, to make my story fit all the criteria.  At the same time, I think it would be helpful for me to recognize areas that affect my life.  And it be helpful for Queenie to know more.  As I think I've said before, this is new territory for me.  I never thought about these things before.  I might change my mind about things later on. 

I've posted a link to a web page that describes the disorder so you can refer to it if you need to.  I'm going to take aspect one at a time.  From the description:  First and foremost, I turn inward and distance myself from relationships, and I am often uncomfortable in social situations.  It's funny, but people will come to me for advice, and there are certain kinds of interactions where I am fine.  Usually, it is the kind of interaction where I have a defined role.  But there are other situations, relating to others in a social way, where I am inept and extremely uncomfortable.  I am supposed to have distorted perceptions about how relationships happen.  I suppose that's true, I guess.  I hadn't really thought about what makes a friend or what relationships should be like.  For example, I've often thought of people that I work with as good friends, and they are people that I really care about, but I might rarely see them outside of the office. 

It's not that there haven't been times in social situations that I have thoroughly enjoyed.  Most of them have been occasions with family members there, however.  I especially enjoy social situations with someone who can tell funny stories, who can make me laugh.  The best times have been getting together and having a laugh fest. 

From the symptoms:  Incorrect interpretation of events.  I think that I might incorrectly interpret events.  This symptom, as far as I can tell from what I've read, relates to social interactions.  I think I misread (or miss all together) social cues.  It's hard for me to know for sure.  There certainly are times when I have been unable to predict another person's reaction.  Did I missed clues that might have given me more information?

Odd beliefs or magical thinking.  I don't believe in the paranormal, and I don't think I'm superstitious.  I don't believe the world is coming to an end in 2012, either.  But I live my life thinking that I will do something later today or tomorrow.  When something causes me anxiety, I think that I will feel better about it later and will be able to easily do it then.  Intellectually, I know this is not the case, and I know there are tools I can use to help me.  But that Scarlett O'Hara mentality is deeply ingrained in me.  This notion is so strong that it is hard to overcome.  This is definitely a work in progess.  I also had a strong belief that everything would sort itself out.  This was so pervasive that I thought I would win the Powerball and have lots of money.  In the depths of my crisis, I even looked online for architects, landscapers, appliances, and building materials so I would be ready to build my dream home.  Until the electricity was turned off, that is.

Unusual perceptual experiences.  I don't have bodily illusions like thinking a part of my body doesn't belong to me.  But there is a kind of disconnect from my brain to my body.  I have trouble dancing, for example, and when people tell me to feel the music, I don't.  In junior high and high school, I would watch other people dance, then practice in the mirror so that I could mimic their motions.  It was the only way I could learn new dances.  And line dances, I can do the slide, mostly.  Other line dances, I get about half-way in the sequences, then I get lost.  And forget about the jitterbug.  That's beyond me.  Another example is this.  You know how, in workout videos, you move one leg and the opposite arm?  Well,  I'm always moving my leg and arm on the same side.  I have to concentrate, to cognitively think about how I'm moving my body for any coordinated activity.  It doesn't come naturally.  I also think of myself as about 100 pounds lighter than I really am. 

Odd thinking and speech.  You'll have to help me out there.
Suspicious or paranoid thoughts.  No. 

Emotionally inexpressive.  I don't feel emotions as intensely as most people do.  And, although I may appear to be aloof (you'll have to help me out here), it's not that I don't care.  It's that I can't feel emotions the same way other people do.  I can remember times when I've tried to wrap my brain around a situation, trying to feel the emotions that it should evoke, but being unable to feel them.  I can't describe how I felt when I walked down the aisle to get married.  I remember thinking that I should be happy, and I tried to feel happy, but I can't say that I did.  I wasn't unhappy, either.  It was as though my emotions were locked away.  I remember trying to smile, then feeling like it wasn't genuine, so I stopped.

Okay, that's it for today, except for one thing.  Disorder is an appropriate term since it describes the effect it can have on my life.  But I don't want to keep talking about a diagnosis or a disorder.  I want to come up with another term to describe this thing that I live with.  Something that is short, but stands for life in my world.  I welcome your suggestions and your feedback in all things.  Thanks for everything.

It's Still Hot Here

Well, 1 week, 5 phone calls and 2 faxes later, I might be getting my C-Pap mask ordered.  Three phone calls to the doctor's office and two phone calls to social services.  And a fax to each.  All I need is for the doctor to sign and fax back the prescription....

I got off to a slow start this morning.  Did not wake up until 8 o'clock, and then had my coffee and chased my prescription.  And it's 9:30 already, and I'll be getting ready for work in a little while.  So, there won't be much of a post this morning.

It took a long time for me to realize that there was something lacking in my life.  I've been a wanderer, and I'd still be wandering around if I had the resources to do that.  Wandering around is a great distraction.  It's when I'm settled in a place that I begin to see that something is missing.  Having my nieces grow up and establish their own adult lives also alerted me to the fact that I was adrift in my own.  I would like to know what you have thought about me through the years.  It would be helpful.

Well, it's getting close to 10 o'clock.  Time to eat something and get ready for work.

Monday

So, let's continue the exploration...

Junior high was a time when my differences became more pronounced, I think.  It's the time when puberty kicks in and when peer relationships become more important.  It's hard to remember just what I thought about myself back then.  Looking back, I was more of an observer, hanging out with others, taking in what was going on, rather than an integral part of things.  There were times when I sensed that I was not engaged the same way that others were, but that was a transient feeling.

Boys were not interested in me.  Generally speaking, that's been true all my life, except right after my divorce.  Then I had old men and creeps pursuing me.  And, from my point of view, dating was and is an awkward experience for me. I'm not good with flirting and the "dance" of romantic relationships.  With a few exceptions, I tend to be friends with guys rather than date them. 

Anyway, back to growing up.  I remember overhearing Mama talk about me one day, the summer before high school.  She was concerned that my only friend would be going to another high school.  It hadn't occurred to me, and I still wasn't bothered much hearing that.  I didn't think it would be a big deal.  As it turned out, there were a few of us from junior high who formed a group in high school.  I never felt excluded from anything by my friends, but I didn't date, didn't go to any proms.  So there was a portion of high school life that I didn't engage in.  There were conversations in which I couldn't take part.  I went on one date in high school, and then I talked about the guy so much that my friend took me aside to tell me that he didn't like me as much as I liked him.  Translation - he doesn't like you - but I didn't get that at the time.  I didn't really like him that much, either.  I was just hungry for something to have to join the conversation with my friends. 

It's funny.  I don't think I wanted to date anyone for the sake of going out and having a good time, but I wanted to have something to talk about when my friends talked about their dates. 

Well, that's it for memory lane today.  I am both excited and anxious about selling the house and moving.  It's not that I have any reservations about doing this.  That's not it at all.  It's the number of decisions to be made about what to keep and what to get rid of.  I don't think I need advice about it (or maybe I just don't want advice about it); it's just that making any kind of decision carries stress for me.  Just trying to be fully honest here.  There have been times when I couldn't decide what to buy at the grocery store.  I don't think it necessarily will be hard for me to make choices; just be aware that it is a source of stress for me to do so.  I'm actually looking forward to culling things and simplifying my life. 

It's Hot Again Today

My posts will be an exploration, a look back at my life in light of my dx.  It's hard to know where to start.  It's a big undertaking, looking back at your life with a new set of parameters.  These posts, I think, will be rather disjointed as I look back.  It's not my preferred style of writing, but it's a matter of plunging in and getting started, or not writing at all.  So, let's explore together.

I think the first time I can remember feeling like I did not fit in was the summer after 6th grade when I joined the Governor's Program for Gifted Children.  There were students from all over the state.  A few were local like me and commuted to school, and there were others who stayed on campus.  The first person I met was a local girl like me.  I did not want to meet the others from the group.  Getting to know one person was enough for me.  To my distress, she wanted to meet the others.  Go figure.  Looking back, I would say that, from that point on in my life, I was more of a person who hung around others more than being a part of a group.  Most of the time, I was not conscious of this.  I felt as though I was a part of things, but I was more of an observer rather than a participant in things.  (I do recall, however, being overwhelmed at my introduction to school.  This was some time before the first day of school, I think.  I remember going to a classroom, then joining all the other first graders in the cafeteria for cookies.  I was so overwhelmed that I buried my face in Mama's dress and cried.  I also remember being told that I had said the kids in my first grade class were too noisy.  So the roots of this run deep.) 

There were two other sources of anxiety for me at the Governor's Program, music and physical education.  Almost everyone there played some kind of instrument.  The best ones were chosen for the orchestra, and the others made up the chorus.  Since I didn't play an instrument, I was in the chorus.  I can't sing.  But even worse than that was music theory.  At the end of each class, the instructor would slowly play notes on the piano while he tapped out the beats, and we were supposed to record the notes onto music sheets.  I had no clue.  I kept my head down the whole time, but out of the corner of my eye, I could see people going through the notes in their heads and writing them down.  One person would be called upon to go up to the piano to play the song (usually something like Three Blind Mice).  I lived in terror that I would be called upon, and my secret would be out.  I couldn't do it. 

In phys ed, we did gymnastics and played tennis.  I couldn't do either.  Never returned a ball in tennis, couldn't climb a rope, or do flips. 

I think the program was a four-year program.  Completing the program gave you 15 hours college credit.  I left after two years.  I used the excuse of going to Baton Rouge with Daddy (it was his first year in the legislature.)  But the second summer at the program was more stressful than the first, and I was glad to get away.  I didn't really know what 15 hours college credit meant, and even if I did understand, I would not have been able appreciate what that was.  Even by the time I got to college, I didn't have a clear goal in mind of what I wanted to accomplish.  I started in chemistry, I think, and I had about 5 different majors before I graduated with a degree in psychology.  My area of study in graduate school was personality, of all things. 

Oh, well, enough for today.  Signing off.

God forgives those who invent what they need.  ~~Lillian Helman

Thursday

My diagnosis puts my life in a new perspective.  I have tried unsuccessfully to live the kind of life that I thought I should be living.  Whether it was relationships or a career that I tried to pursue, I tried to live up to society's ideals.  I care about people in my own way.  I know that I don't feel emotions the same way as others, but I do care.  But it's hard to have friends when you need to spend a lot of time alone.  For me, trying to balance time alone and with others is tricky.  When I worked at St. Theodore's, it was a good balance for many years.  I was able to find that balance of social interaction and following solitary pursuits.  I was able to socialize some outside the office.  But I have to say that I hate pokeno.  I played it when I worked there because I like the people in the group, but it ranks right up there with gift showers for me.  Don't like those, either.  Anyway, this was probably the best time for me as far as relationships with others is concerned.  I still didn't have friends in the same way that you do, but my life was fairly stable.  But there were times when I was shocked into seeing how vacant my life was compared to others.  I remember one time in particular when I was taking a course through the Loyola Extension program.  We were supposed to take something that was meaningful to us to class.  I was excited to take my birthday present from the folks in my office.  It was a paper clip chain of little things that meant something to me, and we all had a good laugh about it.  I looked forward to explaining to my class what each thing meant.  I thought everyone would enjoy it.  But when other people showed things like their wedding rings and spoke of what their marriage had meant to them, and the woman who had undergone aggressive treatment for breast cancer showed us what gave her the strength to endure, I was embarrassed to show my little birthday present. 

And speaking of my diagnosis, I am thinking that the doctor said it was schizotypal personality disorder.  That word resonates in my brain as what he said.  I originally rejected that dx because I thought some things don't fit.  For example, I don't think I am suspicious or paranoid, I don't think I have mispercetions of reality, nor do I think I have odd beliefs or magical thinking.  I know you don't need to have all the symptoms to have a dx, and I guess I do have some magical thinking, but I don't think I am psychic.  Anyway, I'm pretty sure he said schizotypal and not schizoid.  After having some time to let the possibility settle in and taking the time to carefully read, I think that is my dx.  I've posted a link for this so you can read.  This is a good example though.  When I first read the descriptions of the two disorders, I immediately dismissed schizotypal because there were a couple of things that I rejected as appropriate.  I picked schizoid because I liked it better, I think.  But there was still that nagging thought in my mind that the word schizoid was not the right word.  So, know this when you are talking to me.  Sometimes it takes a while for me to process ideas, so I often can't answer right away.  Also, I often have an immediate reaction to something without thinking things through.  I need time to "walk around" with new notions sometimes.  I want to be clear, however, that the idea of selling the house is one that I am fully okay about.  I know I can't afford to keep it and I am unable to maintain it.  Although I like this house, I also think that apartment living will be better for me.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/schizotypal-personality-disorder/DS00830