Counseling Day

Today is counseling day. It’s been a long wait, about two months since Queenie first took me to the Mental Health Center. All good things in good time, I guess.


Depression can feel like big pit of thick mud. The sides are steep, slippery and hard to climb. The mud clings to me and pulls me back down. I can hear the sucking sound that thick, gooey mud makes when I try to lift my foot. Sloo-rp.

So here I am in the pit. Again. How many times in my life have I had to climb up out of that pit? Sometimes I feel like the slowest learner in the universe.

Have you ever seen a dog on a chain walk in a circle around a tree? Once around the tree, and the dog is now stuck. Inevitably, the dog will continue to circle the tree in the same direction, over and over, until he has taken up all his chain and can no longer move. Now, all he needs to do to get free is to reverse his direction, but I’ve never seen a dog do that. Instead, he tries to continue in the same direction. Untangle him, and he will try the same thing again. I feel a little bit like that dog. I circled that tree in the same direction until I couldn’t go any farther. And then, I did it again.

Fortunately, I was able to attend peer group counseling sessions that have helped me to function and even improve during this time of waiting for counseling.  I remember the first day that I sat in the group. I didn’t have much hope for recovery then. It seemed out of reach. Now, I have hope that I can live a meaningful and productive life.

What does a meaningful and productive life look like? Well, I’m not sure. But I know that it has to be more than I been willing to settle for in the past. I have drifted away from so many loving, funny, and interesting people in my life. I don’t want to do that any more.

Here comes the tricky part – being honest with myself. It has been so important to me to be CAPABLE. It has been an essential part of my identity. Give me a puzzle, and I will compulsively work at it until I have figured it out – sí, se pueda. Someone offers help, and my automatic response is, “No, thanks. I’ve got it,” – yes, I can. Start therapy, and I wow my therapist with my progress – yes, I do. I am proficient, adept, and clever, not merely adequate! Give me a challenge, and I’ll perform.  I need to be honest with myself in admitting when and where I am not not doing well.

It has been both humbling and freeing to admit that I am not capable of taking care of myself. The challenge will be to gauge just how well I am doing. I do know that I have made good progress. Yesterday, I engaged the outside world in different ways. I called about getting my tax documents back. I asked an old friend for help with home maintenance. I had an impromptu lunch with friends. I checked my mail. I delivered Daddy’s flag to the Avenue of Flags organization. I shopped for items on my list at the grocery store. It was a far cry from sitting in my room, afraid to step outside the door. But I did feel a little awkward at times, especially when I had lunch with friends. And, I almost ran a stop sign because I was so proud of myself and how good I was doing that I didn’t pay close enough attention to my driving. It was a good day, but I still have a ways to go.  One day at a time.