The Real World

Well, yesterday was to be my first counseling session, but the Mental Health Center closed early due to inclement weather. My counselor called to reschedule; his first available appointment was – are you ready for this – December 30! So, I guess he’s not going to be a part of my recovery any time soon.




There’s a school of thought that everything happens for a reason. Along those lines, I wasn’t supposed to start counseling yet. Well, I don’t know about that, and I don’t really care one or another. I am not without resources. I have connections with family, friends, and peers to help me. I have myself. I am feeling stronger, happier, and more energetic every day. I no longer feel so helpless; I'll use the resources I have and take charge of my own recovery.



I have reached a place where I have been before. This is familiar territory. I am starting to get excited about life. But it is the place where I run the risk of wearing myself out just thinking about things I want to do. Instead of actually doing something, I can use up all my energy just thinking about the possibilities. I have literally worn myself out looking at cookbooks, trying to choose a new recipe! I have owned some cookbooks for years without ever trying a recipe because I just couldn’t make a choice.



I can also get over stimulated by external factors in my environment. For example, the unusual weather yesterday afternoon made me feel excited, anxious, and unsettled. I wanted to DO SOMETHING beyond eating gumbo, watching TV, and looking at the weather outside, but I didn’t. I couldn’t settle down and get started with anything. Well, that’s not entirely true. I did eat some roasted peanuts. (There is only so much gumbo a person can eat, and the peanuts required shelling, so it gave me something to do.) I ate to pass the time, not because I was hungry. I’ve done that before. Obviously.



That was yesterday. Today also will be an unsettled day unless I do something about it. I’m still over stimulated – I didn’t get a good night’s sleep (got up at midnight, went back to bed, got up again at one, stayed up until three, back to bed until eight), but I feel great! That’s a sign that I could spend the day feeling great and thinking great thoughts, but getting nothing done.



So, now the task is to focus my energy in healthy and productive ways. I have the ability to calm myself, to relax, and to meditate once I remove myself from sources of stimulation. It’s turning off the stimulation that’s hard. I’m going to a quiet place to calm down….



Okay, I’m back. I’m feeling more composed, less scattered. I think this excitement, this restlessness that I’ve been feeling is a cover for emotions that are uncomfortable for me to acknowledge. Right now, I’m lonely. I think I need to spend some time in that loneliness, not to wallow in it, but just to experience it. It is both necessary and beneficial.



So, today’s wellness toolbox contains the following:

• I will focus on one project at a time

• I will finish what I start (or at least find an appropriate stopping place before moving on to something else)

• I will be aware of my emotions during the day

• I will take time out to calm myself down whenever I find myself starting to feel scattered