Progress equals challenges

Wow, writing this blog is quite the challenge this morning. I've turned off the TV and am sitting here in the quiet, just me, the keyboard, and the screen, because it's hard for me to stay focused. My mind keeps wandering off like an old dog, and I'm not sure where it's been. It's as though those Northwest pilots are in the cognitive command center of my brain. Nobody is really flying the plane. I have to continuously work at bringing my mind back to the task at hand.

I want to give an update on my physical, mental, and emotional status. First, my physical state.  Two years ago, I was in much better physical shape. I had more energy and flexibility, and I never had headaches, stiff muscles, or any other aches and pains. Today, I am weak, stiff, sore, have achy joints, and I tire easily. It's hard to believe just how badly out of shape I am. For example, I had trouble getting up off the floor last night after I finished my workout. And, just to be clear, I use the term "workout" loosely. My workouts are not strenuous or long-lasting. One thing I learned from Rich (my trainer) was to start out slowly. (I worked out with him for over a year and got fit without ever once feeling sore. He definitely knew what he was doing.)

I do have two thoughts about my physical condition that comfort me, though. First, I'll be in better shape at each weight as I work off the pounds than I was when I was gaining them. So, when I get to 250 this time on the way down, I'll be in better shape (and physically smaller) than I was when I got to 250 on the way up. Second, each day, I am a little bit better each day than I was the day before. Hooray for each tiny step forward!

Second, my mental status.  My mind feels much clearer than it did a month ago. Thinking no longer feels like swimming in goo. The sludge is gone from my synapses, and they are firing away. The cobwebs have been blown away. Now, on the down side, is the situation that I described in the beginning of this blog. It's now been two hours since I started, and I have completed only three, yes, count ‘em, three paragraphs. Just where my focus wanders off to, I’m not really sure. Yes, I might realize that I am thinking what I’m going to do today or the weather, but most often, I don’t know that I’m thinking about anything, really. All I know is that I have lost focus. I feel a bit like a computer that needs to be rebooted in order to start working again.

I don’t think that I’ll have any trouble driving today, though. I feel alert. I can do physical tasks. I can attend to the physical world. As long as I don’t find myself doing something weird like looking for my underwear in the kitchen, I’m good to go! (I would have liked to have already been out and about, but this blog comes first. I do believe that the discipline of writing every day has been very helpful, and I don’t want to short-change that process.)

Now comes the tough part – describing what is happening to me emotionally. First, let me say that I am happy. I don’t feel flat and unengaged from the world like I did just two days ago. I am even a little bit excited about being out and about today. That’s one part of my emotions. But there is another part of me that is fearful of engaging with others. The danger for me is allowing either emotion – excitement or fear – get out of control. If I become too excited about going out today, I’ll feel exhausted before I ever get out the door. If I allow fear to get the upper hand, I won’t leave the house.  So, it's time to take some deep breaths, calm down, and get on with my day.  Any deeper exploration will have to wait for another day.  Peace.