I'm Working on It

I’m feeling better physically this morning, I think. We’ll see what kind of energy level I have throughout the day. Fingers crossed. I started on Lesson 2 of the Understanding Emotions website. The lesson includes a process of recalling an unpleasant event while focusing on the physical sensations that accompany that memory. It is a short exercise, about 15 minutes a day. The purpose is for me to be aware of my emotions and to realize that I can control my emotions rather than having my emotions controlling me. There was one thing from the lesson video that resonated with me. To avoid experiencing unpleasant emotions, we can become very good at distracting ourselves with things like mind chatter, technology, and compulsive thoughts. I am a champion at that. I spent my summer watching television, playing computer games, and daydreaming of living a different life. I even did research to help me decide what kind of house I would build and what appliances I would install when I won the lottery. These activities both distracted and calmed me.


I know that I have been fearful for much of my life. I spent so much time damping down that fear and white-knuckling my way through life. But even joyful occasions have been difficult. I get so excited with anticipation that I can wear myself out before an event. I also can get so keyed up when I’m having a good time that it is hard for me to calm down afterwards. I never could come home from an event, no matter how late, and go to bed. It could take hours for me to settle down enough to go to sleep. Even daily living required a decompression time. I remember that, once my sisters left home, I would be the last person to go to bed at night. I craved that alone time, eating and watching television. It felt soothing.

Well, the sun is up this morning. It’s a welcome sight. I haven’t seen the sun in days. Family is coming in, and it should be fun. It will be so good to see them. My challenge will be to keep from obsessing about their visit so I don’t wear myself out before they get here!