Stepping Forward

I am posting to the blog late today.  I spent the day applying for jobs and registering with unemployment.  I have calmed down; the fear I felt is gone.  Did spending time paying attention to that emotion and what it felt like allow me to let it go?  I have no idea.  I do know that trying to force it away doesn't work.

I am in a good place emotionally, I think.  I am neither super excited, nor afraid, nor down in the dumps.  Just collected, I think is a good word.  It is a rather fragile state, though.  I think it would not take much for me to go on an emotional roller coaster ride.  But I also think that I have tools and resources to help me recover if that happens. 

First and foremost have been Queenie and the Prince, who rescued me from filth, desolation, and hopelessness. 

Second, this blog has turned out to be a great resource. The discipline of writing every day has been good for me. Some days it took me three or four hours to organize and record my thoughts, but I stayed with it until I was done. After spending so much time (years) without truly communicating with anyone, I felt a great need to share my story.

Third is the wellness and recovery action program known as WRAP.  It helped me to make a daily maintenance list, things to do every day to establish a routine and take care of my basic needs.  It was something that I needed in the beginning, and, if I miss something on the list now, I know I am not doing as well.  I also have a list of signs that things are breaking down, that I need help.  I have a list of resources for that.  I have also been working on a plan to be put into effect should I reach a crisis state.  I hope that it will not be necessary, but you never know, especially as the years go by.

One part of WRAP that is difficult for me to complete is a description of a healthy me.  It's been so long since I've been healthy that I can't remember what I am like in a healthy state.  I think I am healthier now than I have been in years. 

I am sorry to say that next week will be the final week of the course, and I will graduate.  The course will be offered again at a later day, and I can take the course as many times as I would like.  However, I hope to be working again by the time of the next course.

Peace to all.

Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up.  ~Chinese proverb